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Back in the Game

16 Aug

After my recent blogging — and dating — hiatus, I think it’s finally time to get back in the game. I have sufficiently reflected on my most recent relationship and determined that I did nothing wrong what I could do differently in the future. I revamped my profile, renewed my subscription, and set off winking like there’s no tomorrow.


Side note: I seriously considered canceling my subscription. Financial constraints added to sheer frustration at the level of douche-baggery in the DFW metro made me a non-believer. However, Match knows what’s up. Upon canceling, they ask your motivation behind terminating. After I checked the box that said, “I cannot afford a Match subscription at this time,” they seduced me with a half-off offer. Clearly, I took the bait and here we find ourselves.


After a good four-month leave of absence, I’m not sure what I was expecting. Would the same men be on there? Has the game changed? Is my “failed Match relationship” status transparent? Most nerve-racking, would he be back, too? (I promise, I’ll write about that. I need to get over my paranoia first. And I need to give him a name. Reverend Green, like in Clue.)


So, here I am. Casually on a Thursday night just clicking and winking and perusing the merchandise, when I stumble upon a profile that looks enticing. Age appropriate, solid job, advanced degree from a reputable institution, etc. I’ll fess up; I clicked. The minute I did, regret washed over me.
No, his profile was not a lie. He does have a solid job and an advanced degree from a reputable institution. He is in my appropriate age bracket, too. Actually, he’s a great guy, a lot of fun to hang around, and a really good friend. How do I know this? He’s Rev. Green’s college buddy and fraternity brother.


This wouldn’t be that bad if Match operated like other social media sites. Unfortunately, Match decided to throw people under the bus do their users a favor by notifying members of everyone who views their profile. Bottom line: Professor Plum (Green’s pal, obviously) would know that I found him. And now I’m stuck. I can’t take it back. I can’t “wink” at him because that seems like I didn’t realize it was him. I can’t try to play it off like I didn’t realize it was him because, really?


Instead, I sent an email that just said, “Oh, hey Plum,” as my cheeks turned me into Miss Scarlet.


Top Ten First Date To Dos and To Don’ts

10 Apr

Last week, I went on a date with a “Match Man” who sounded like quite the catch. A 28-year-old, fun-loving, but still smart and normal guy is harder to find than it seems. He winked at me. I winked back. Next thing you know, we are texting while both out-of-town and making plans to meet up when we both returned to the city. We settled on a local bar on a Wednesday night at 9PM. I’ll let this list of things not to do on a first date demonstrate how miserable that evening was.

1. Don’t drink too much. This fool downed 3 vodka & tonics in the hour and a half that we were at the bar. He also arrived before I did, so I have no idea what kind of shots were taken or how many drinks he had before I got there. Bottom line: boy was tanked and it wasn’t cute.

2. Don’t talk about your alcoholic tendencies. Some girls might be into that sort of thing. Some girls aren’t. The point is, you don’t know your audience very well and it’s probably a good idea to save alcohol and drug dependency, weird fetishes or habits, and illegitimate children for at least the third date. Very little is attractive about admitting that you have “lost three days before” from an alcoholic binge.

3. If you run into a friend, politely say, “Hi” and move on. I was literally stuck for five minutes in the crossfire of a conversation between “Bro” and “Dude” about something that I stopped paying attention to. At the end, I was left sitting with “Bro” while “Dude” remarked that it was nice to meet me. Problem — you didn’t meet me, sir. If you’re going to have a conversation with a friend or stranger when on a first date, introduce your date or politely excuse yourselves for a moment.

4. Breathe. This kid was literally foaming at the mouth he was talking so much and so quickly. I can’t make this up and there’s not a whole lot more for me to say. Just relax.

5. Don’t talk about work too much. Yes, work is an interesting and important part of everyone’s lives. But, I am not down to sit and listen to you talk for hours about your job and how great everyone thinks you are. And the worst part — I still have no idea what this guy does for a living.

6. If I ask a question, answer it honestly. I could tell he was lying right through his teeth. I asked about his family and if they were close. Obviously, the desired answer is, “Yes, I am close with my siblings, I look up to my dad, and I love my mom.” That’s the answer I got, but I could tell it wasn’t the truth. Don’t lie. Ever.

7. Respect the servers. We were at a busy local bar on dollar beer night (a whole separate issue), so of course the server is going to be going in 30 different directions. Subtly jabbing her might ease your tension, but it also makes you look like a jerk. Think before you speak.

8. Choose the venue wisely. I got lucky on this one. The place we went has a nice patio (which I love) and was perfectly casual and relaxed. Also, a group of guy friends regularly has Boys’ Night there on Wednesday nights so if I needed an SOS, I was golden. However, I would suggest people be careful when deciding on a first date location. I know times are hard and money is tight, but going somewhere specifically because, “It’s cheap!” might not send the message you intend.

9. Pay. Or at least offer to. Again, I got lucky. Dollar beer night meant that my two beers and his 3 vodka/tonics totalled $10. You might not get so lucky and a guy who doesn’t even put up a small fight about you paying isn’t worth it. I’m all about splitting costs at a certain point in a relationship, but he should be wooing me, damn it, and that does not involve a hit to my bank account.

10. Read signals before, during, and after the date. This poor guy had no idea I was miserable. He was oblivious (thankfully) to the fact that I was counting down minutes until it was socially acceptable to cut my losses and call it a night. He missed the fact that I was already on the phone talking about my misery before I left the parking lot. Worst of all, he kept texting me the next day and could not equate my simple, one-word answers to disinterest. Boys, think things through. Put pieces together to solve a puzzle. And most importantly, learn to detect annoyance and misery in a woman.

There you have it: my recommendations for first date dos and don’ts. Although this particular date was a royal failure on almost every account, I am learning from each date that I go on and each interaction I have with Match Men. Have I found love yet? Of course not. But I’m learning about myself and what I (don’t) want in relationships everyday.

But why?

14 Mar

That’s the question I got from a lot of friends and family members when I told them I was joining an online dating site. And to be honest, I wasn’t really sure. Had I given up on traditional dating methods? No, but meeting someone quality in a bar isn’t exactly like shooting fish in a barrel.

Beyond that, being in my early 20s, a recent college grad, and a transplant to a new — large — city, I needed a way to meet and get to know people. I figured I wouldn’t even have to go out with anyone, I could just see who was out there and act on it if I chose.

So, I’m sitting in my brother’s living room playing on my computer. I started filling out my profile and answering basic questions about myself and my potential match. Have you ever tried to describe yourself, you past, your perfect date/relationship, and exactly what qualities you want out of a significant other in 1500 characters or less? Let me tell you, it’s a daunting task. You want to show your personality — mine happens to be fairly sarcastic and “sassy” — but I don’t want to come off as a brat or a bitch. You want to sound laid back and casual, but not like you have no drive or motivation. You want to sound accomplished and successful, but not narcissistic or cocky. It’s very hard, and believe me, I sweat out that “About Me” section for about 20 minutes before I settled with a series of short sentences describing who I am.

I’m new to the city. I work in a job completely out of my realm of current knowledge. I like to read, write, run, cook, and hang out with friends. I am looking for someone independent with a backbone who is not afraid to call me out when I’m being a brat.

Next thing I know, my profile was complete and I was being asked to screen profiles of men in my area and age-range. I quickly got into the whole process of “winking” at people and silently judging their profiles. “Ew, he likes cats?” or “What straight guy admits on Match that his guilty pleasure movie is ‘Centerstage?'” I became that girl.

About ten minutes later, I received an email from Match. “Someone has emailed you! Click here to see what they wrote!” Having just recently “winked” at about 10 Match Men, I could only believe that this email was from the cute, age-appropriate investment banker who played sports in college and had pictures posted with his nieces. Let’s call it like it is — I clicked that link so quickly it barely had time to load the whole email.

I was directed to an intermediate page. “To receive emails from potential matches and communicate through Match, please select a plan below.” You’re kidding me. They want me to pay to potentially be rejected by hundreds of men before they even meet me? This is a joke. But here’s the part where they got me — I still knew that someone had already emailed me. I was hopeless. I got sucked in. And you better believe I paid for 6 months so I could get a cheaper monthly rate.

So, $120 later, I get to see the email. Is it him? No. It’s a very old, very married man with children whose default picture included a deer recently shot. Lovely.

Sidenote: Nothing against hunting, married men, older men, or men with children. Just not right for this girl.

I felt defeated. I felt duped. I looked like a fool, so much that I had to bring my sister-in-law in the room to laugh about it with me. I had almost given up on in that moment on my brother’s couch watching Shark Tank.

But then, I got another email. It was him.

And so it begins

13 Mar

It’s pretty simple, actually. You know how in church, when they’re talking about Jesus feeding his disciples and then dying on the cross? And they get to the part where they proclaim the mystery of faith? They say, “Christ has died. Christ is risen. Christ will come again.” Well, this is kind of how it happened — although incredibly less influential.

Therefore, I would like to proclaim the mystery of Match:

I saw “The Vow.”

I cried.

I joined

The rest? I suppose that it is history in the making.